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I think I was too busy to update my blog.

Sem 4 is quite crazy, imagine we still have lab reports need to be submitted during study week.

However I am glad that I finished my all lab reports 1 month / 2 weeks / 1 week earlier.

I thought University life will be better.

Yet, my depression becomes worsen when I enter 4th semester of my 2nd year life.

I started to develop depression since secondary school.

It become worse when I enter PASUM, and become worsen now.

I never know these symptoms are signs of depression, I only knew a few months a ago,

that, this is DEPRESSION. 

My family is ok, my study is ok (not so ok really), sometimes I don't know what makes my depression explodes.

I think it is because I am the eldest child in the family, not all problems that I can share with them,

I think it is because I am the only hopes of my family.

I think it is because I do not have any best friends and sister to share my burden.

My roommates are ok, but I do not feel like I have roommates.

We just live in the same room, when I feel want to talk then only I will talk to them.

That's all.

Sometimes I do not know why I feel very annoyed when they switch on the lamp, slow down the fan and noisy.

(Maybe due to depression, I like to keep the room dark, just a table lamp for study is enough).

Sometimes I really hate myself.

Sometimes I just want to make peoples happy but I always end up annoyed and hurt them.

Maybe I too emotionally attached to someone.

When I being ignored and being left.

I started to cry and asking why and depressed a lot.

While she is happy with her best friends, my depression become worsen.

At some point, my depression become worse that, I feel want to suicide.

However, suicide is forbidden in my religion (and all religions too).

I trapped between my worst depression and suicidal thoughts.

Not sure why I keep posting my depression on the social media.

Maybe I really hope someone can approach me and help me.

Yet, peoples only love to judge.... and ignore.

Peoples think that I only want attention.

The fact is, I am dying emotionally.